thetoiletseatThe last bastion of gender (in)equality doesn’t pertain to professional obstacles, access to health care, education attainment or political participation, but rather confines itself to a 15x18x19 inch white ceramic/porcelain cylindrical bowl containing approximately 1.6 gallons of water and a dual mode plastic seat that is manually opened and closed. On one hand, we have a movement in our society that pleads to the powers at be stating women are ‘absolutely’ capable of being on the front lines of any battlefield, promoting the idea women are just as capable as men in all areas and occupations. On the other hand, women can’t put a toilet seat down.

If you can’t put the seat down before you sit on a toilet, then how are you going to start a multimillion dollar corporation, run for President, fight fires, arrest bad guys or work in construction? Women can have their equality, they just have to have it 100% of the time. If you want to pretend to do things males can do, then stop complaining  your man doesn’t put the toilet seat down for you. Have you ever heard of a man complain to a woman to put the toilet seat up? Hell no. Want to know why? Because men are versed in causality. They realize that if they don’t pick up the toilet seat when they pee, they might get pee on the seat for when they poop. They leave the toilet seat up or down in its last state from peeing and pooping because no man can foresee what his next bathroom exchange will be; it is better to conserve the energy used to put the toilet seat up or down until it is known whether you need it up or down. Wake up ladies! If a guy is capable of putting the toilet seat up and down for when they pee and poop, so can you. If you want equality, join the club of basic human instincts and put the toilet seat down when you need it down. Not a big deal.

Men have the dual responsibility to put the seat up and down, so both states are in their proper position when at rest as the man approaches the toilet in the bathroom. Men can handle any bathroom situation. Oh look, I need to poop and the toilet seat is up! No worries, I will just put it down. Look there, the toilet seat is down and I need to pee! I guess I better put the seat up. Women only ‘need’ the seat down, yet women put zero effort in lifting the toilet seat up for their man. How is this equality? How is this companionship? The argument that the toilet seat looks better with the lid down is bullshit. No one looks at a toilet as decoration. Whether the lid is up or down, the toilet is still a place to poop and pee, and nothing changes that. I will even go as far to say it is safer approaching a toilet with the lid open because you can see what is in it (snakes, spiders, bugs and bigger snakes). No one is sitting down without first checking what they are sitting on and in the case of the toilet, what is in it. So why do women give this simple and logical situation such a hard time? Power.

The power play used in reference to the toilet seat is one of the last traditional relationship ties held on by women in a relationship. Today, women expect men to help with cooking and cleaning and laundry, and rightfully so. We are all equal in terms of work and survival. But if men are ‘sharing’ the duties traditional women performed, (and vice versa) then putting the toilet seat down, which falls under the domain of the traditional housewife and traditional manners, should be voided.  It is no longer a woman’s house. It is a human house.  If men and women share equality, then the household and the toilet seat should be a part of that equality too. I propose the following clause to the book of ethics and manners:

Article [334.34] (1a) On this day, I decree that if a man and woman share in an equal relationship, (1b) then the man holds no to responsibility to lower the toilet seat. (2a) Furthermore, if the women demands, (2b) despite equality, (2c) the toilet seat must still come down by a man’s hand, (3a) then the toilet seat must come up by a woman’s hand.

May God see this right, witnessed by United States of America and everything that is good in the world…

I bind this new modern tradition to law. Amen.

How hard is it to put the toilet seat down? Roughly as hard as it is to put the toilet seat up. God bless equality, and God bless America!