…Lurking in the depths of society lives a creature that brings fear to all males. Usually remaining stealth among its species, it may take years for this predator to act. Stalking, hunting down the right mate during social gatherings provide these creatures intentions assumed to only itself, and shadows veil the truth of its actions. Once the creature has spotted its prey a unique capturing method is deployed. Body language suggesting intimate relations seduces the male species, ultimately becoming unaware of its deadly attack. Suggestive language implicates that this creature is more secure attacking in its own dwellings, but studies have shown that invasion of the male species habitat is also at a high percentage.
Once committed to its prey, this creature starts the ritual of death. Tearing off clothes, scratching, wrapping its legs around the victim to almost a point of suffocation, licking and biting upper and lower extremities are just some techniques used in toying with its prey. The male species is left helpless, for he realizes this aggressive behavior can end in only one way, or will it? Like a spell from a muse, the male species starts to participate in this ritual, pressing his lips against the creatures body. This may go on for seconds or this may go on for hours depending on the prior nourishment of the man and the creature. At this point, the shrewd creature has the male where she wants him for he will make the fatal mistake any second. Finally, the male attempts to unbutton the creatures pants. With every premonition of accepting this gesture throughout the night, we expect the creature to be more than willing to pursue the next steps in mating; instead this conversation was recorded from a friend’s house right after this act took place…
Creature: What do you think you are doing?!
Friend: I thought you wanted me to take off your pants?
Creature: What type of girl do you think I am? Did you think you were going to get some?!
Friend: You have been all over me all night, you even told me you wanted to come back to my place, and I just thought this is what you wanted.
Creature: So you think I am a slut huh? Well guess what, I usually date Models!
Friend: You have to be kidding me, you left a bite mark on my ear and you are freaking out because I tried to take off your pants.
Creature: You are an asshole. I never knew you were like this! All I wanted to do was cuddle!
Friend: Get the fuck out of my house you crazy bitch.
Creature: You weren’t going to get any from me, I am still a virgin and I only date models, later asshole.
Friend: (Out Loud) what the fuck just happened.
As you can see, the creatures attack method doesn’t come from a sting, a poison, a nerve toxin or suppression, but rather a mental breakdown of the male gender of her species. The male involved starts to question everything he has come to believe, and now every woman he meets will be overseen with curiosity of not knowing whether she suffers from this disease. Finally, after years of research we have a name for this condition.
We refer to this as I.D.P.F.S.A.D or
Irreversible Dementia Psycho-Emotional Female Sexual Arousal Disorder
Carriers of this Disease: Human Females
Primary Carriers of this Disease: Caucasian Females, who watch excessive amounts of MTV.
Age Range: 16-40
Geographic Location: Mostly Metropolitan Areas
Disease Identification: 2006
Symptoms: 1) Expressing herself in a sexual way in public while announcing to everyone around her that she is still a virgin whereby proceeding to make-out with the nearest guy. 2) Excessive foreplay and making out leading to nothing but sleep-while-spooning. 3) Disregard for all biological feelings and hormones. 4) Excessive laughter when things are not funny. 5) Having unknown relationship experiences within a friend group. 6) Thumb is bigger than her pinky finger. 7) Travels Solo 8 ) sleeps with a stuffed animal.
Prevention: If you suspect the girl you are going out with suffers from this syndrome, then you must camouflage yourself against her tactics. Instead of participating in her foreplay, disassociate yourself completely. Tell her you would like to talk for a while and that it is nice that she came over to spend time with you at such an early hour in the morning. Talk about such topics as MTV, your dream about becoming a male model and of course celibacy. These actions should protect you from women suffering from Irreversible Dementia Psycho-Emotional Female Sexual Arousal Disorder. Good luck and Godspeed if anyone should encounter the host woman.
Research Update: Doctors say that 9 out of 10 women suffer from variations of this disease. A Harvard Study has shown that 8 out of those 9 women hang out at bars and clubs in and around major cities. A Fox News poll found that 5 out of those 8 women drive trucks or SUVs. The last United States Census proved that 3 out of those 5 women have contact with 5 or more women who are not affected by the disease. New York Times ran a column that stated 1 out of those 3 women is related to a man in some way. If these findings don’t scare you, then I don’t know what will!
“Foreplay, Cuddling – A Jedi craves not these things” – Yoda