Every guy needs a girl guide. There are hundreds of types of females in the world and this guide attempts to identify the most common, in reference to adulthood and dating. Each type of girl that is mentioned in this guide is a discovery through decades of research and experiences. This entire document is supported by statistical data from multiple independent research groups. In other words, this guide is scientific fact, so let’s begin.
Little Miss Perfect: This girl, usually a former cheerleader and/or prom queen type is constantly feeling let down. For whatever reason, she has decided to predict future outcomes and when reality strikes and life doesn’t measure up, she almost always causes drama. She may have great looks, but when little miss perfect doesn’t get her way, she blows up. Give her what she wants, she is a perfect companion, if you don’t, well, that is a headache you don’t want in your life.
Pros: Good looking, athletic, well kept
Cons: Unhappy, drama, high maintenance
Jackpot: Did you find a hot, sexy, kind, caring, fun, beautiful and EASY girl? Well you found the Jackpot. She is always one of the hottest girls at any venue, always smiling and having a good time. She is super fun, but remember to always keep her smiling because this girl doesn’t want drama in her life and knows her worth.
Pros: Beautiful, charismatic, successful, fun
Cons: Easy, always looking
Alpha [FE]male: We live in an age of gender equality. Well, if I didn’t mention it, this type of girl certainly will. She is into guy stuff not necessarily to meet guys, but to beat them at their own game. Usually lurking in Crossfit gyms around the country, this girl’s existence is to make you less of a man. If you don’t want to be captured by a modern day Amazon, run away, but remember, she can probably run just as fast as or faster than you.
Pros: Can beat up other girls, competitive, great body, likes sports
Cons: Can beat up other girls, competitive
The Alpha (Feux)male: There are some girls out there who spend their entire existence acting super competitive and striving to be labeled the ‘cool chick’ in their guy circles. You want to talk about sports? Well this girl can talk all day about it. She many not know a thing or two about specifics, but athletic buzzwords is this girls strong point. Unfortunately, most of this intense fondness of masculinity happens to be b/c of her own insecurities so some sincerity in her effort is lost. However, If you want to be around a girl who is constantly trying to fit in with you and your guy friends, look no further than ‘The Alpha (Feux)male.’
Pros: Into Sports, loves hanging out with guys, doesn’t get caught up with girl drama
Cons: Fake, annoying, can’t let the guy front go
The Black Widow: Do you know a girl who constantly breaks up with her boyfriend for a close guy friend? Well you might know ‘The Black Widow.’ She consumes men. She exhausts the potential of her current relationship, plays the victim, and then runs to her best guy friend at the time. She then consumes that best guy friend and runs to another proclaimed best guy friend. This process will continue until The Black Widow is dead.
Pros: Short relationship, easy to let go, every girl after seems perfect
Cons: She might actually kill you
Spiritual / Vegan / Yoga: If you want a girl who is different… and by different I mean unable to eat the things you eat, unable to enjoy the things you enjoy, unable to drink the things you drink and all natural and flexible, then this is the type of girl for you!
Pros: Great sex, naturally beautiful
Cons: Diet, liberal
Hipster: High, Hairy, Hunemployed, Hannoying, Hcommunist, Hater, Hygiene, Hno.
Ring Collector: If you meet a girl and she has been married or engaged once, you should probably give her a chance. Twice, maybe look into it a bit deeper and keep your guard up. But if she has been married or engaged 3 times, you found a Ring Collector.
Pros: Good looking, presentable in public
Cons: She will take all your money and steal your ring
The Spoiler (Kiss and Tell): If you ever meet a girl and the next day everyone knows you met said girl, you found The Spoiler. Make no mistake, everything you do with this girl, from the sex to the movies you watch, will be broadcast throughout her friend circles and in cyberspace. If you want a private relationship this may not be the girl for you. If you want the world to know you are seeing said girl and everything you do with said girl, well… The Spoiler is perfect for you.
Pros: Lots of action
Cons: The action is being broadcast for everyone to hear and see
Sophisticated elitist: You’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, and doggonit she doesn’t like you. The sophisticated elitist is looking for one thing, an equal. If you can’t deliver her level of sophistication and elitism, then you might not want to try this paradox.
Pros: Smart, classy, well-spoken, well-mannered
Feminist: Make no mistake; any girl who claims they are a feminist is not looking for equality. She is looking for revenge. She hates you. She may mask it, but deep down she despises you and your penis. If you meet a girl and she claims to be a feminist, skip away as fast as you can.
Pros: Can say you dated a feminist, check the box for gender equality
Cons: You will hate being a man.
Sexy Foreign Chick: Good looks? Check. Sexy accent? Check. The love for American men? Check. Sounds great right? Well, beware because she is after your status and money. Or she may love you unconditionally forever. It is always either/or.
Pros: Good looking, you can pretend you are James Bond
Cons: Give up your soul, multiply your bank account by ½
Sexy Foreign Chick without Green Card: Good looks? Check. Sexy accent? Check. The love for American men? Check. Sounds great right? Well, beware because she is after your status and money. Or she may love you unconditionally forever. It is always either/or.
Pros: Good looking, you can pretend you are James Bond
Cons: Give up your soul, Immigration and Customs, multiply your bank account by ½
The Home Maker: It is very seldom these days to find a girl who can take care of a man. From cooking to possessing selfless attributes of being a great wife and mother, The Home Maker aims to please you. If you are not ready to settle down, look past this girl, but if you are ready for monogamy, then this girl might be right for you.
Pros: Cooking, aims to please
Cons: Boring, hard to get unstuck from her
Hot Mess Express: Have you ever wandered into a club or bar and found yourself staring at a girl so sloppy, so drunk, so loud, and so sexy, that you just had to meet her? The ‘Hot Mess Express’ is chugging your way! This girl is always down for going out. In fact, the only places she wants to meet usually have alcohol. If you don’t want a dull moment, this girl might be right for you.
Pros: Hot, easy, unforgettable moments, laughter, skimpy dresses
Cons: Unpredictable, can’t bring her around friends/family, always drunk
The Do-It-All: Every so often you will find a girl who can do everything. Great career? Check. Great sex? Check. Great girlfriend/wife/mom? Check. Great cook? Check. Great [Insert Anything Here]? Check. The only problem with this type of girl is catching her. Sometimes being great at everything, or the passion for being great at everything makes guys around her go unnoticed. So if you have a chance to snag up one of these one of a kind girls, keep her happy, because she is going to do everything she can to be the best with you, unless you fuck it up.
Pros: Awesome, fun, successful, well kept
Cons: Narrow vision, you won’t be noticed unless timing is perfect
Hot Nerdy Girl: Whether it is dressing up as some super-hot, super hero during Halloween or sitting on floor playing video games in a tank and undies, this girl isn’t caught up in the latest fashion and popular culture gossip. She is educated, cool, and funny. She is kind and kinda crazy. If you are lucky enough to put a spell on one of these, keep the fantasy going or she will look elsewhere and quote some nerd shit as to why you are not the one.
Pros: Pretty, usually likes Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and/or Game of Thrones
Cons: Usually is a recluse, no heels, always has a nerd herd who follows her around
Not-So-Hot Nerdy Girl: Whether it is dressing up as some not-so-hot character during Halloween or sitting at her desk playing Second Life or The Sims, this girl isn’t caught up in popular culture. She is smart. She will be happy to have someone who understands her.
Pros: Smart, cool, don’t have to worry about her running off with someone else
Cons: allergic to working out, plain, awkward.
The Church Girl: This girl can sometimes be found on her knees, but it is usually because she is praying. This type of girl comes in a variety of shapes and sizes and if you share the same beliefs and sexual patience as she does, then it might be a right fit for you. Beware; this type of girl is all about the end game, meaning she wants to get married, at a church, in order to progress in the relationship.
Pros: Virgin(ish), faithful, caring, lives for something greater than herself
Cons: Virgin(ish), End Game
The Mary Magdalene: Have you ever met someone who goes to church, preaches a religious lifestyle but turns into a whore around 1:30am four nights a week? Well if you have, you have encountered ‘The Mary Magdalene.’ She will come in all shapes and sizes, tell you that you are a sinner, and then sleep with everyone. She will then go back to church, ask for forgiveness and continue to judge you and whoever else she doesn’t feel like sleeping with. But wait, if you are the lucky guy who finds this saintly seductress, try to keep faith in her, because if you start to doubt, she will find someone who believes.
Pros: Sex, well kept
Stage 5 Clinger: Some people believe in true love at first sight. ‘The Stage 5 Clinger’ believes in obsession at first sight. If you are lucky or unlucky enough to have a girl obsess over you, calling nonstop, doing recon, showing up to places unexpected, and telling everyone that she is with you when you barely know her, then you definitely have a ‘Stage 5 Clinger.’ Don’t want to be stalked everywhere you go? Then you might want to move out of the city and change your name if you so happen to have this girl obsessing over you.
Pros: Always available, will do anything you ask
Cons: Will let you know she is always available, annoying, cock-blocker
The Magician: Do you know an attractive girl who always rolls solo? Does she spontaneously disappear at events and gatherings with mutual friends? If you do, you found ‘The Magician.’ This girl usually keeps her personal life on the down low. She is usually attractive, fun, and easy to talk to, but something is not quite there. Is she mysterious or sketchy? Maybe you can try to abracadabra your way into her life!
Pros: Attractive, always interesting
Cons: Where does she go?
The Bartender: A female bartender is one of the two professions (stripper being the other) which lead to becoming an actress, performer, nurse, model or teacher. This girl is sexy, fun, and knows how to party. Find a way to make this girl like you, and you and your friends will be drinking free all night. Just beware that when she is working, her tips are proportional to how much she flirts, so if she comes home with 1K more than another night, something might be up.
Pros: Attractive, free drinks, sexy
Cons: Different schedules, drunk guys everywhere, the future
The Model: Wondering if that girl is a model or not? Don’t worry, she will tell you if she is. This girl is all about the looks, pictures, and Instagram. Oh and modeling. Sure there are some outliers of girls who are models who pursue more intellectual and practical endeavors, but if you are not willing to constantly remind someone how much more beautiful they are compared to the world, dating one of these might not be your thing.
Pros: Attractive, doesn’t eat your food, tall, great pictures
Cons: Obsessed with looks, constantly judges everyone
The Fixer: Do you ever feel like there may be something wrong with you? Well even if there isn’t, ‘The Fixer’ is going to step in, step up, and make you a better man. Coming in all shapes and sizes, ‘The Fixer’ sole purpose is to change you for the betterment of women everywhere. If you have some sort of problem that needs addressing, this girl might be the right pick for you, if not, prepare to change anyway.
Pros: Caring, assertive
Cons: Some things don’t need fix’n, never happy
2nd Place Trophy Wife: Do you dress well, wear an expensive watch, live in an amazing bachelor pad and have lots of money? If you do, you could win yourself a 2nd Place Trophy Wife. This girl is all about the money and security. She doesn’t even care how good looking you are; the uglier and dorkier the better! All this girl cares about is giving you a few kids, going on lavish vacation with her girlfriends, and living an affluent lifestyle. If you are ok with having a very attractive girl by your side who loves you for your money, then this girl might be right for you.
Pros: Beautiful, makes you look good, manages the fun
Cons: Don’t let the money run out, always a catch, a contract with no love
Psychopath: All girls are a bit crazy, but not all of them are psychopath crazy. You have to watch out for this type of girl because she comes in all shapes and sizes and levels of attractiveness. She has her own agenda and while the good times are fun and exciting, the bad times will probably be the worst you will ever go through; vengeance, slashing of tires, drama on social media, sexual relations with people to get back at you, calling your job and lying, and marrying out of spite are just a few traits the psychopath possesses.
Pros: Good times when they are good, life lessons
[Insert Ethic Background Here] American Princess: In countries around the world, the privilege of a princess has different meanings. Here in America this self-proclaimed title used by females around the country simply means you should take her out 2.4 times a week. That’s right… as much as this type of girl wants to be catered to and as much as she thinks she is a princess living in suburban America, all this girl wants is to be taken out a few times a week so she can mingle with her royal subjects. If you are a guy who wants a confident, borderline stuck up woman, this girl maybe right for you.
Pros: Well kept, manners, knows the best places to go out
Cons: Expects to be catered to, cries when she doesn’t get her way
Showgirl (Attention Whore): We all know her. We all have seen her. She is in every friend circle and classroom around the country. She is the attention whore. Let’s be clear, this type of girl is definitely fun to know and if you are not a jealous man, she would be fun to date. But make no mistake, this girl is not after your attention; she is after the attention of the surrounding group or crowd. “Hey everyone, look at me,” followed by a boob flash, dare-devil bar trick, or even making out with anyone around her is a common trend for this type of girl. And to top all of this off, she is usually the biggest prude you will ever meet.
Pros: Entertaining, doesn’t give a fuck
Cons: Unpredictable, usually prude, OMG why did you make out with my best friend?
Daddy Issues: It is a great thing to have a close relationship with your parents. It is not a great thing to talk to your parents about everything, especially to your dad. Guys, if you meet a girl who obsesses with their father to a point she is calling him every day and sharing every detail about your relationship, you’ve found a girl with ‘Daddy Issues.’ If you want a girl who will constantly let you know how you compare to her father, look no further than this type of female.
Pros: Receptive to males?
You Jelly: Why are you so jealous? If you’ve ever met a girl who gets jealous over any other female in your life, or female you haven’t yet met, or females who are famous who you say you like, or females from movies, you found ‘Jelly.’ Usually these types of girls are attractive, so while you are scratching you head wondering why this attractive girl is giving you crap for x,y, and z, know her insecurity has no parallel to her attractiveness. Over time, these insecurities will hopefully lessen, but in the meantime, if you decide to date this girl be prepared for a lot of fights. What? You Jelly?
Pros: Attractive, potential
Cons: drama, emotional, ultimatums
Drama Lama: Almost every girl I know gossips. They discuss other people’s drama as a form of their own entertainment. However, the ‘Drama Lama’ is a type of girl who creates their own gossip and starts their own drama for her entertainment pleasure. That’s right; there are girls out there who exist to insight chaos in their friend circles, in their jobs, and in their families. They also aim to create drama in their own relationships as well. So if you are into arguing and constant drama, this type of girl is for you.
Pros: Never a dull moment, passion
Cons: Constant drama
The Actress/Performer: Meeting a girl who acts or performs for a living is quite awesome. You never know who she is or what she is doing. She is constantly acting normal or normal acting. This type of girl is usually very deep and only time will allow you the experience with her to understand who she really is. In all honesty, she is still trying to act out who she truly is, but once she finds herself and if you are around when she does, you may have a chance at a great relationship.
Pros: Fun, attractive, deep
Cons: Multiple personalities, uncertain future, hasn’t found herself
Miss Right: Every guy should have a checklist of what he doesn’t want in a woman. Once you figure out that checklist, you can meet girls who you would describe as ‘Miss Right.’ ‘Miss Right’ comes in all shapes and sizes. You are attracted to her because she possesses the right mind, body, and spirit you need to be happy. However, understand this girl is the end game for you. Once you commit to a relationship there is no turning back or ‘Miss Right’ will turn into all wrong. Not only is this girl right for you, but you are also right for her; an equal partnership. So before you make a move on a girl you know to be ‘Miss Right,’ make sure your timing and your end game are in check.
Pros: Love, commitment, happiness
Work Cited and References:
J.R.R Tolkien: Lord of The Rings, The Hobbit, The Elvish Language
Ernest Hemingway: A Farewell to Arms, The Sun Also Rises
God: The Bible, Divine Inspiration
Jennifer Lawrence: All of Her Interviews
Eger Allen Poe: The Raven, The Murders in the Rue Morgue, The Bells
Malcom Gladwell: Outliers
New York City: An Affair to Remember, King Kong, SNL, Bronx Tale
F. Scott Fitzgerald: The Great Gatsby
Robert Jordan: The Wheel of Time
The Shape of a Heart: Valentine’s Day, Candy, Love
The 5th Element (The Movie): The first 34 minutes and the last 23 minutes of the movie