Chrisanomican: Burden to Bear
More than three decades I have walked this earth and for more than three decades I haven’t felt further away from understanding this world, the people in it, than I do now. We (the world) want everything, but in the same breathe we (the world) want nothing. Promises and oaths thrown away at a whim, the absence of integrity reigning abound, allowing the unequivocal notion that we, as humans, find it harder to tell truths in the face of truth, than it is for us to speak a lie while being caught in a lie. You cannot trust without truth. You cannot love without trust. It is time to temper the love we think we know, into the love that we should know.
…It is my burden to bear. The world cries out and its heroes hide in their wake. Three times ten years I have lived this life and three times ten years I wonder if I have lived it right. No more do I will the arrival of normalcy. It hasn’t gone untried; the curse from the ages forgoing any cures or breaking. Three times ten years I have only lived for love and three times ten years loved has failed me. I see her. I feel her presence all around me, yet I search and search to find nothing. I hear her voice in my dreams. I hear her voice guiding me. Have I failed her? Three times ten years and I have never felt her touch and three times ten years I wonder now if she is just an illusion. Three times ten years a curse…
Chrisanomican: Self
It’s hard being strong; laying down one’s principles in the face of people, ideologies and commonplace. Where it would be easier to turn a cheek or remain silent, I have always faced adversity and divergence from these principles directly in the eye, destroying things and people around me. It is lonely in a tower forged from these archaic values. But as I look down from my aerie, I can only reflect on the choices I have made and why I have made them. I can only critique what is in my head for the intentions of others remain veiled behind frivolous words and actions. I can only give you a glimpse of my intentions. To understand my plight, you must first understand me…
I have been given many blessings. I grew up in an amazing home with loving parents who gave their children anything that was in their reach. I was given a father who instilled in me the drive to be successful professionally and athletically. I was given a mother who demanded academic and character excellence and who for the most part, shares a personality much like mine. My parents laid a moral and ethical foundation that exists in me today. I was given enormous stature. The downfall to this being the inability to fit into clothes and small spaces, but in the rest of life, granting me ‘huge’ advantages. I was given a great memory and with that memory, the ability to analyze (remember) the world around me a million times over; no matter the situation, I can envision thousands of possibilities, some good and some bad, in order to assess/guess outcomes. Sometimes I am right and sometimes I am way off. Every time I am wrong, I use my inaccuracies to make sure I am closer to the truth the next time. I have also been given the gift of foresight. This intuition, combined with my ability to over analyze situations, producing a set of highly probable outcomes, has given me the power of compulsion.
Manipulation is a skill used daily by millions of people, both consciously and subconsciously, to obtain desired outcomes. I am a manipulator, and I am very good at it. I look people in the eyes and I see (and let them know I see) the good within them. You may think this to be a virtue, but making people believe they are good when they are not, has its inherent problems. Sometimes looking at the good has a positive effect, but sometimes it doesn’t. When I was younger, I abused this power. But as I got older, I knew that playing with people minds and emotions was inappropriate unless it was for the greater good, so I stopped taking advantage, for the most part…
When I continually failed to find the love I have desired, I tried to create it. I felt time was running out and the girl who engulfs my dreams was slipping away from my grasp. In order to grab ahold of her again, I would look for her in the women around me, never realizing I was not only telling these women what they wanted to hear (compulsion), but also remaking them in what I wanted them to be. The one. And if I couldn’t have ‘the one’ then I would surround myself with women whose characteristics could be combined to make the one. This isn’t love. You can’t make someone love you like you want to be loved. You have to search and search until you find it, pure and beautiful, untarnished from manipulation. Genuine. True. I’ve learned that you can’t forge love in your image with someone else. But with someone else, you can make an image of love which defines both of you. And if that images matches the love you seek, then it is true love. At least, for that moment…
Chrisanomican: Love Forged
Everlasting love does not exist. Maybe at some point in human history, with the absence of social media, entertainment, communication, ease of travel and technology, everlasting love did exist, but in present day it does not. Love is a moment, not an eternal contentment, and to get love to last, you have to string together moments of love. If you don’t keep stringing out moments of love, then eventually it will be lost. And maybe hundreds of years ago, when people only had a moment to dwell on, to honor without the influence of external elements, everlasting love did exist. Maybe it did exist as described in the stories and tales and ballads because that is all people had; that one moment of love which superseded everything else in their life. Today, those moments of true love are quickly replaced with other moments, and the potential to have other moments and ‘what if’s’ and dreams and desires from the magnified world around us. We are never happy with our moments of love which should last us a lifetime, and for those who came before us, that moment was more than enough to dedicate a life to another. But not in this day.
How people love does not change. The way someone loves is embedded in their soul. You can change habits and tendencies, manners and routines, but you can’t change how someone loves. We spend our entire lives looking for our perfect match; searching for the right career, caste, height, personality, location, culture, and compatibility. But we never try to match love. We put first all other pedigree and forget why we loved from the start. The love is lost in a distant memory, echoing remembrance. We must hold our moments of love as a shield, wear them on our sleeves to ward against the peripheral. Find your love. Uphold your moments and unlock a force that once moved the world. If you wouldn’t risk life and death for the love you think you have, chances are it is a love you created, and not true love. If we create something, we will feel as if it can be created again. True love is a moment. It is fate and destiny, pure and simple. It is a moment worth the sacrifice of all other moments. If you do not have the will to fight for it every day, tooth and nail, life and death, then it isn’t love, rather a concept or emotion serving as an imposter. True love is a moment worth remembering, worth everything.
Chrisanomican: Closure
Over the ages the term ‘love’ has been diluted. This weakening has brought forth the subjugation of trust, loyalty and honor disparaging all that is good and rewarding unrestraint. Wars were fought for true love. People would wait their entire lives, and believed in waiting in the afterlife, for true love. We don’t see this type of love today. We don’t find love which transcends time, realms, and dimensions. Are we that shallow that we don’t honor that which a few generations previous believed in? Are we destined to be satisfied with ill repute? No more manipulation. No more compulsion. If I have to wait every day of my life for something that never comes, in the face of doing it wrong the next time, then that is what I will do. It’s time to follow my intuition. It is time to embrace destiny. It’s time to forge true love again.
Prophecy of the Chrisanomican [The 6th Age, The Age Not Yet Past]
Follow thy destiny… not thy heart or thy mind or thy spirit.
Her grin teases fate from a distance, striking the world like a thunderclap. Her smile enchants spirit to conviction. Each applaud reluctantly as to not show detachment for who she seeks. Long and flowing, deep onyx from afar, her hair catches the wind every step closer. Her gaze weighs down the strongest of men; revoking purpose for all others. Denying a shrewd doubt, hoping the dream a reality. A tiny black circle filled with the hopes of the world surrounded by the perfect mixture of greens, grays and blues showcase her intent. Make me see it, or at least prove it. I wish not to hang doubt upon a loop, a bind or a thought. Entertain this; for the ages rebuke design. As darkness approaches, her skin glows; shadows cower. She was made for the world elegant, tall, with a bosom and body flattered by perfection. She stands alone, categorized by her purpose, searching for the piece of her puzzle. The riddle shackles the truth. She brings life seeking her balance. I see her now. I feel her. Come to me. It is time… I bring death to the darkness.