Bar Tactics: Drink ID

February 03, 2013 | | Comments 0

bartacticsDrinkIDDrink Identifications

 While having brunch with some friends, the discussion of relationships somehow made its way to the table with the Bloody Mary’s.  Coincidence?  I think not!  Let’s face it, in order to be in a relationship you’re either going to be drinking champagne during celebration, enjoying a romantic evening with wine, having a wild night with tequila, or bitching about it the next day over a Bloody Mary!  Another round, please!

This conversation started my mind reeling and wondering if the type of relationship someone chooses could be determined by the drink that person orders.  Wouldn’t it be great if we could identify the “Forever Single” Casanova by the Screwdriver on the table?

Thus, the following drink guide was created:

Vodka Soda – Athletic, concerned with caloric intake, witty, life of the party

Woo-Woo or Fuzzy Navel – Sorority girl, chatty, pain-in-the-ass

Martini – Mature, confident, successful

Gin and Tonic – Old Man, D version of James Bond

Single Malt Scotch – A man’s man

Bloody Mary – True alcoholic, biting the hair of the dog

Champagne – Snobby or simply celebrating – use your spidey senses to determine difference

Tequila – Wild and sexy – you might as well be holding a neon sign that says “Open for   Business”

Margarita – Fun-loving

Chardonnay – Predicable, missionary-style kind of girl

Beer – Practical

PBR – couch surfer, blue collar

7&7 – No Identity Joe

Rum and Coke – Simple Minded

Caipirinha – Good dancer, bi-sexual

Cranberry Vodka – Early 20s, thinks they are cooler than they really are

Long Island Ice Tea – Partier, has a date-rape conviction

Cosmopolitan – Lady in her 40s who wishes she was Carrie on “Sex and the City”, COUGAR!

White Russian – Avoid this person at all costs

Manhattan – Old Soul or simply an old man looking for a much younger piece of ass

Frozen Drinks – High Maintenance or 21

Malibu Bay Breeze– Fake ID or Gay and using fake ID

Jello Shots – Loves to get drunk and screw

Red Bull Vodka – Extremist (has a Red Room of Pain), cokehead

151 and Coke – Hairy Balls (actually, hairy everything)

Rum Straight– Pirate, or Johnny Depp, or a Pirate

Pinot Grigio – NYC Upper Eastsider who has no idea what she really likes

Sour Apple Martini – Overindulgent bitch who’s spilled at least 2 drinks before she spilled the Sour Apple Martini on you


Gimlets – Slightly older intellectual who likes to drink

Bourbon – Witty, talented, sexy

Malt Liquor – Broke, alcoholic, broke-alcoholic

Pinot Noir – Sensible

Whiskey – has a gun or knife on person and has been arrested at least once

Shirley Temple – 40-year old virgin who lives at home with his mom

Jager Shots – has an STD, likes violence

Fruity drinks with umbrellas – You’re on an island or you’re an asshole

Finally, pay attention to how the guy treats and tips his bartender.  If he’s a jerk to the person making his drink, chances are he’s a jerk to everyone.  If he tips poorly or orders you a drink, but not your girlfriend that’s with you (aka: your wingman), he’s cheap.  And you know what they say about cheap people – they’re cheap!  And guys…if a girl buys you a drink, she’s cool – get to know her!

–          Laura Casselman


Filed Under: Featured