What to get your bitch for Christmas

December 08, 2011 | | Comments 2

The holiday season brings out our altruistic nature, putting aside feuds and misunderstandings for the fellowship of family, rejuvenation of romantic relationships, and the exploration of newly acquired love consummated under yuletide frondescence suspended from above.  It is the time of the year when we curb our wants and look to generosity, delivering joy to our known world.  It is the time of year when we throw aside material desires, cheerfully gazing outward from our window at the snow white lyard spread across the horizon.  It is a time when the magic of Christmas will touch our lives and the lives of our friends, family, and significant others.  It is the time of year when…when…when…

Oh fuck it!  The only thing that really matters during the holiday season is what to get your bitch for Christmas.

Let’s keep it real… Nothing says ‘I am into you’ more than an awesome Christmas gift.  Whether you have been dating someone for a few weeks or have been with the same person since the previous Christmas, you should know the person well enough to buy them an awesome, meaningful gift (you know a gift that says, I love you and I have been paying attention to you for the past “x” number of weeks/months/years).  The same rules of Christmas that apply to children, also apply to your bitch; If  your bitch has been naughty (in a negative way) or the relationship is about to end, then what you decide to get them should be of lesser meaning/value than if your bitch has been naughty (in a positive way) or the relationship is flourishing.  There are two categories you should consider when gift giving to a significant other; what your bitch “wants” for Christmas and what your bitch “needs” for Christmas.

What your bitch wants: During your relationship, no matter the length, your bitch will give hints of what they want.  These hints may take place walking through a shopping mall, or watching television, or as they are talking on the phone with friends/family.  This is your cue to remember, write down in a discrete manner, the context of which they expressed the want and what they actually wanted.  Make sure you do your homework to find out correct sizes, colors, and other pedigree if the “want” requires it.  There is nothing worse than giving your bitch something they don’t want for Christmas.

What your bitch needs: Unlike what your bitch wants, what your bitch needs takes thought, creativity and the awareness of everything going on in their life.  Needs usually stem from listening to what your bitch complains about.  If they complain about an item being crappy, replace or upgrade it.  If they complain about not having an item or service, give it to them.  Knowing what your bitch needs is directly influenced by how much you pay attention to them, where they live, their social environments, their family, hobbies or lifestyle.  Your bitch may or may not tell you what they need; that is observed through experience and time with them.  There is nothing wrong with giving your bitch what you think they need because at the very least it shows that you care.  Christmas is all about letting your bitch know you care.

If you are just starting out in a relationship, don’t go all out.  The first Christmas will set the tone for the rest.  Sometimes it is better to give a bunch of smaller gifts, which are funny and unique to your relationship, than one expensive item.  Buy gifts that represent different periods of the relationship, reminding your bitch of why the relationship exists.  It is also good to get gifts early, wrap them and put them under the tree, menorah, or in a stocking.  This shows you have been prepared for Christmas for a while and the thought of giving your bitch a present wasn’t last minute, but planned, showing exclusivity.  Finally, never, for the love of Christmas, call the person you love a “bitch.”  Merry Christmas Bitches…

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