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Dress 3 Drinks In

August 29, 2011 | | Comments 0

It’s Friday night and you are getting ready to go out.  You want to feel sexy, look hot, and be beautified.  You open the closet door secretly hoping it will suck you in, spin you around, and spit you out looking gorgeous. Then you get a glance of yourself in the full-length mirror and, back to reality, you realize you have some work to do.  You’re thinking high heels…perhaps some 3 or 4 inch Louboutin’s or imitations you ordered from Piperlime because Rachel Zoe said it was her pick.  You want your legs to look like skyscrapers, your ass to be as perky as a 17 year old.  You debate wearing a miniskirt, a dress, maybe overpriced jeans, and a blousy top.  You think, “What are the trends right now, what would Blake Livley or Mila Kunis wear?”  You work on that look until you think you’ve hit perfection.  You look styled, chic, and feel confident.  You’re ready to strut and get noticed in your band-aid sized skirt, stilt like heels, and lacey thong.  You step out on the NYC streets, try to get a taxi and fail because there are girls on every corner who look like a parody of you.  You walk several blocks, soles of your feet achy and ankles already shaky.  Face it; you are an uncomfortable, miserable, bitch.  But, you look great…right?  I beg to differ.

Listen up ladies… Dress 3 Drinks In.  The bottom line is; I want to look hot and get noticed, and rock my body with my Kim Kardashian ass and Jessica Biel arms.  But not trying to look like I peeled myself out of Vogue in high heels and short skirts.  My theory is simple: When I go out I will most likely have at least 3 drinks and the truth is most everybody else that is out to have a good time will as well.  After 3 drinks the last thing I am worrying about (or anyone else in that bar is worrying about) is what I am wearing.  Life is great, I’m buzzed, everyone around me is smiling, laughter is in the air, and I’m as comfortable as a pig in shit.  Why add unnecessary challenges to the evening, there are already enough present: being smashed, weeding out douche-bag guys, and dealing with foolish girls falling down.  And, more importantly, the theory has been proven that since everyone else, even the hottest guy at the bar, is 3 drinks in, he doesn’t give a shit if I’m in heels and a short skirt.  I look hot, can stand on my own two feet without assistance, and I’m not annoying (very important).  All he is seeing through his soused eyes is my face, and all he is thinking is “I’m glad this girl isn’t pesky and maybe I’ll get laid tonight.”  Let me tell you what he isn’t into… a girl playing tug of war with her skirt, adjusting the lacey thong shoved up her ass, and wobbling like an 11 month old trying to walk for the first time.  He isn’t smiling at you and flirting, he’s laughing at you.

It’s Friday night and I am getting ready to go out.  I look in my closet and I think of what I would put on if I were 3 drinks in.  Most likely, jeans, tank top, motorcycle boots (or some rendition based on season).  You’re thinking, really?  That’s not hot, chic or going to get me a Bradley Cooper body double.  Now let’s not be naive girls, this effortless look is contrived by me having the perfect DL1961 jeans that fit my body like a glove, a tank top that shows off my sculpted shoulders and biceps, as well as ever so slightly hugging my six-pack abs, and Frye boots that I’ve worn so many times they may name next years model after me.  Yes, you may have a different body type and a need a varying effortless look, but it is in that closet of yours behind the discomfort, looming to get out.  That hot guy at the bar likes my ass just fine in motorcycle boots and tight jeans.  That hot guy would rather your ass be slightly less vivacious and your legs not as slender… if they are walking next to him and not on the ground because you tripped over the cobblestone walking in Meatpacking.

So next time you get dressed for your night out with your besties, think to yourself, what would I wear if I were 3 drinks in… and own it.

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