1999 what a historic year…well, for me at least, maybe not in mainstream history. Michael Jordan announced his retirement from the Chicago Bulls (for the 2nd and final time). Pro wrestler Jesse Ventura was sworn in as the Governor of Minnesota (the WWF may better prepare you for politics than Georgetown, Oxford, and Yale). President Bill Clinton was acquitted by the Senate from his impeachment caused by the famous blowjob of Monica Lewinsky (I did not have sexual relations with that woman – like I said the WWF may prepare you better for politics). The movie American Pie was released in July and became an instant classic. I graduated from Ithaca College (yes, Ithaca is gorges and the movie Road Trip was based on it). Like I said, an unforgettable year.
I watched American Pie just like every college student with his or her best friend Mary Jane and a can of Natty Light to quench that boundless thirst. I laughed at the new coined term MILF (mother I’d like to fuck – but honestly if you’re that lame that you needed a breakdown, you don’t deserve to be reading this). I remember thinking…that’s basically some older lady with kids who young pea brained guys with an insatiable need to cum constantly are attracted too. But I also remember thinking, I do want to be a mom, so in that case, I hope I’m a MILF.
Fast-forward 12 years, and here we are in 2011. I can still taste the Natty Light if I close my eyes and my Y2K panic kit is collecting dust in the front closet. Dreams do come true, I’m a MILF. Now understand this isn’t such foreign a concept, I mean I’ve always been an ILF, if you will, but some how that one extra consonant changes the whole idea of it. What is it about being a mother – ILF that is such an anomaly, turn on, or general number 16 on the bucket list of every man 30 and under?
When I came into the single mom scene, I analyzed all the ways to tell a guy, and the proper timing to brief a guy that I was indeed a mom, I thought there are two general ways. I equated it to the same strategy I use for getting sloshed for the evening. Approach one, you lay it out there right away at the beginning moments interest is detected from a guy…this would be the shot glass approach. Quick, can make you feel sick for an instant, there is immediate gratification that can be good or bad, but it is over with. Example: “Hey hot stuff, another Jack and Coke? I’ve got two kids…we cool? Cheers!”
Approach two, you wait until it seems like some real dating may occur…this would be the more modest cocktail glass approach. Takes longer to drink, gives you a chance to get comfortable with the surroundings before you’re buzzed, effects are felt in time. Example: “Sure you can have my number handsome, I’d love to have dinner with you…it’s a date…text me! (The dinner date becomes viable) By the way, you are soooo, so, sweet! Do you like kids? Oh good, I have two. You want dessert or a check?”
To my shock and awe I found out very quickly, there is nothing to fear but fear itself. Most guys are into this whole MILF thing! And if they thought you were an ILF, they just got a little harder finding out you had that extra M on your belt. Now that being said, guys in there 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s (I draw my line in the sand at 50 – anyone older need not apply) think the MILF thing is sexy but for different reasons. Mr. 20 year old is into it so he can cross number 16 off his bucket list and high five his buddies ala American Pie. Mr. 30 year old is into it because he’s just generally looking to get laid all the time. But mostly because he finds it attractive that you were able to bounce back so well from a post pregnancy body. He sees that resilience as a plus if there is potential for you to have his babies, he won’t end up with little miss muffin top for a wifey. Mr. 40 year old is probably looking to get married and start a family or just got divorced (note…FILF doesn’t exist for a reason), and sees it as sweet. He can be pretty sure you’re not a psychopath because you raise two kids, and he just thinks you’re hot. So this whole single mom MILF thing is really a win, win, win.
But back up…when did I start being categorized as a MILF and not just an ILF? Or just categorized at all? Should I be proud of this upgrade of an additional consonant? Pat, I’ll take an M. Or, insulted by the categorizing in general? Somehow I feel like I should find some insult in all this as an independent, modern woman. Screw feminism, I’m loving it!
So if you’re a single mom, own it, use it, be proud of it…hell you’re a MILF! The way trends and fads come in and out these days, MILF has been hot to trot since the phrase was conceived, odds are in your favor. And be happy that is what stuck from 1999 and not the super low wasted jeans with ass cleavage. It’s probably the most memorable cultural event to come out of that year. Well, Monica Lewinsky was pretty memorable too. Now, if she could just give us a tutorial on presidential penis sucking, we’d be a MILF + BJ professional. Two great acronyms, one made famous by American Pie and the other made famous under the American flag. Damn, I love this country.
Oh, and have fun with it. Nothing better than being in a social setting when nobody knows you’re a MILF. Throw it out there mid conversation to the immature boys you’re talking to. “You think Miley Cyrus is hot? No way…my daughter loooves her too!” Jaws fall to the ground, eyes widen…and it is usually followed by, wait you have a kid…you ummm look great. Fuck yeah I do! 😉