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One Night (Last) Stand Chapter 1: Location, Location, Location

May 14, 2010 | | Comments 0

OneNightlastStandthumb           Most of us have been there before; a moment in our lives when intoxication has taken over, lack of normal judgment, impaired by the combination of lust and inhibition, produces a short term physical relationship with someone from the opposite sex. It is in this short-lived relationship that we find ourselves playing a game of emotion, where each move by the other person is countered, resembling a chess match action queue; where typically “wall-flowered” individuals emerge as cunning linguists awaiting copulation. It is very important to identify the reasons why a person would sacrifice so much, for a night which produces so little. However, those reasons will remain veiled, important as they are, to something that, in this day, holds more meaning; surviving your one night stand!

            Much like the zombie survival guide, making it through an obvious “Oh shit, what did I just do” moment, takes forethought and preparation. Although we hope the one you lure, or the one who lures you, isn’t a flesh eating humanoid from the end of days, they more than likely should be treated like one. I don’t mean this in a sense that you should carry a battle axe and a few extra rounds of ammo for your shotgun, but rather, be aware of what the “zombie” has on you; the unknown. Luckily for you, you possess the same advantage.  There are numerous concepts that can be discussed in order for you to be properly prepared for your emotionless, in-the-night encounter (I am not talking about zombies). There is one strategic advantage that will ultimately determine, given on each individuals situation, who will end up with the upper hand post-coitus; location. Below are three general possibilities that should be weighed before you attempt your emotionless feeding or cunnilingus (I am still not talking about zombies). Each possibility has distinct advantages and disadvantages that can only be determined on an individual basis. Here they are. 

Neutral Site: The neutral site is anywhere that is unfamiliar to either persons participating in the one-night-stand. Neutral sites can include hotels, bathrooms, stairwells, buses, trains, planes, Switzerland, and purgatory.

  • Pros: People’s personal life exposure is limited, evidence of the encounter is kept to a minimum, and cleanup is optional (Just black light any hotel room to prove this point).
  • Cons:  There is usually a price tag, you are fucked (literally) if the other person tries to kill you, and you can’t gauge the situation based on your environment.

Your Home: Your home is usually very important. It symbolizes safety and security. It also opens a window into our lives that if the wrong person peeks through, can be the beginning of a very bad situation.

  • Pros: You know where all the weapons are, you know the layout and escape routes, neighbors might help you if you scream, you don’t have to do the walk of shame, and you know how clean your sheets are.
  • Cons: The person knows where you live, a complete stranger will probably use your bathroom, you have to come up with a way to kick them out if they don’t leave, your neighbors see another stranger leaving your home and finally, if you are a killer, your neighbors may come over if they hear someone else scream, which will totally ruin your game.  

Partner’s Home: Walking into anyone’s home from the first time is frightening and sometimes uncomfortable. Walking into your one-night-stand partner’s home for the first/last time is exhilarating and awesome. You take in everything around trying to put together puzzle pieces as to why their moral compass is just as broken as yours.

  • Pros: You see where they live, you can make assumptions about them based on how they live, you can assume they are not married, and you can leave anytime you want.
  • Cons: You are not sure where they‘ve hidden the camera, you might have just entered into a psychopath’s lair, you don’t know the address if you needed to call for help, you don’t know the last time they cleaned their sheets, you have to find a way to get home in the morning, you have to wear the same clothes as the night before, and you haven’t brushed your teeth in forever.

Whether you end up with the stuck-up Prince Charming, who wants nothing to do with you in the morning other than to peer into your wandering eye, or whether you end up with a psycho just-turned-zombie bimbo, high-school head cheerleading captain, you should always have a plan. The plan will vary based on you and the person you are hooking up with. Remember; treat every one-night-stand like it is your last and make sure your last stand is in a place you are comfortable with. 

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